Sitting here thinking about the ways I’m fucked up, if I will stay in the house day after day like this til my real life starts when I lose 20 pounds, meanwhile Nick Lowe is playing at Antone’s THIS NIGHT, the beat poet Anne Waldman is giving a lecture at the Humanities Center THIS NIGHT, life passing me by because I’m too fat to partake of what the attractive people get. I know better. That only makes it worse. I’m fighting internally with the patriarchy, Mom, the social imperatives of other women who will judge me by the same standards, and I’m fighting against the entire fat pride blogosphere, which I refuse to read, because number one, I’m not THAT fat, no one is, and number two, I don’t want to be modified, intellectually, emotionally, physically in any way by anyone no matter how well-meaning. People are so glib about how change comes about. I know everything you’re going to teach me, we always do. Staying this way has to hurt more than the effort to change, the reward for staying the same has to turn into a punishment, it has to look like welcome relief, that’s what creates change. You can’t do it for someone else, not by kindness or threats. You’re gonna change or I’m agonna leave. Yeah, that’s original. When it comes to behavioral modification you can wait or make things worse. People would rather be directive, it makes them feel powerful and purposeful, but more than that, it’s hard to wait and watch someone self-destruct no matter how sacred it is to do no more than witness with complete conscious awareness of what is going to happen. Better to intervene, and right
their your world. Who is the teacher, who is the student? Sit down and shut up. People who’ve been really in it are the only ones who know what it requires to get out. Me, I am nowhere near the mess I could be, better luck tomorrow.
I was rummaging around in an old file and found this scribble that I must have used to believe, whatever it means, still speaks to me, in the moment at least~
I am not gullible doesn’t mean I am not ideal-starved. I don’t idealize doesn’t mean it’s the default or something easy.
Nothing against people who are striving to be happy. I’m not a striver, don’t want to get in the way of my genuine experience, whatever it is. I experience everything I experience and without striving for something other, which would make me an ordinary self-alienated phony. Ordinary, no one wants to Be. Just be.
On what grounds? No one is free from correction. You need re-education, something to make you acceptable.
No, my experience is always appropriate, interesting and informative. Even this. Anemic. Fatuous. Hackneyed. Bumper sticker mentality.
Autonomy, differentiation as healthy and desirable, yes. Difference without resentment or loss of affection the ideal state that eludes us most of the time. I am not going to merge with people who need me to confirm them, their politics, their sloganeering, two can play at that. Be.
Would you tell Hitler to be himself?
Do you know the difference between being and doing?